Carrying on is harder each day.....

I am beginning not to enjoy parenting my son, each day we wake up to the onslaught of abuse, emotional blackmail and the depressing thoughts of when will it end. Tonight he decided he wanted to drag his sister by her arms and throw her from side to side of her playpen....he got into trouble and then called us every name under the son and declared he didn't want to live with us-at times I wish he didn't too and would happily give him his wish if I knew it would make him happy and content. I can hear the gasp of parents saying I can't believe you said that! I am a caring and devoted parent that has put up with so much violence and emotional damage from my son that I do not see him as mine these days, his foul mouth and disrespect to others is appalling and the damage he causes each week both at school is sometimes un-repairable. I love him the way I can and tolerate the things he does but so much has been done to damage our relationship that I resent him and the psychologist says this is normal with him and it will continue to break down until we reach a point of 'get him out before I hurt him' scenario. I am tired, I am uncomfortable and can not see me liking this little boy who I gave birth too. he makes me feel sick with the way he treats others and I see how people look at me, I hear what they say. I gave up my life for my son to fight for him for many years and I just don't think I have the strength now, he has slowly made me feel dark and isolated and I even find myself feeling guilty for the good times I have with my daughter because I feel I should have those with my son too. I try my best to get him to understand that all I want is him to be happy, to try and engage with him at something he loves but there is nothing, he is in a world where hate and defiance is all he feels unless it is all on his terms. he breaks every code of practice and has pretty much drawn a blank with the psychologist-the professionals are sat rubbing their heads and waiting for the Social Services to offer the only one thing that could turn it around-therapeutic respite. It has been 6 weeks since this was asked for and like usual they waffle and wail on and then they wonder why kids are hurt by parents who snap after asking for help for years and professionals begging for them to support the family before mental breakdown occurs. I feel sad, I feel empty and I feel as distance as ever from this young man that has my blood running through his veins. If I crawl away and don't come out for 6 years would it be ok. If I leave and go away will he miss me. If I blow my top I know full well 'they' will say it's my fault and even then they won't support me or him for that matter. I hate tomorrow's as in my world tomorrow is the dawn of another day on daily abuse-tomorrow should be the dawn of a new day with a possibility of something nice or even tolerable happening......but it doesn't. :(