Life in the fast lane but never going forward....

20TH MAY 2009 So here's an update on my life!We are moving house in 2 weeks....yeah yeah I know 'wot again!' I hear you all shout!Yep well after 18 months and the boiler being condemned so many times now that we have lost count, its geting rather tedious with no hot water or heating!Isabella's room is the biggest bedroom and the radiator is the size of a pea-ok slight underexageration-but yeah it's not good enough and having to use another electric heater when we have yep when its working....gas central heating in this day and age is ridiculous..we have asked if another sized radiator can be fitted but the answer was a blunt no....I'd pay for the bluddy thing myself but still a flat no.Still no word on whether Kaine can go to the residential school eventhough the school have given us a verbal yes! The school has so much to offer and is absolutely packed with therapies and understanding staff but again we have to go through the whole set of motions.My Tribunal Appeal is pretty much ready and with the school that the LEA want him to go to saying a big no way can he come here and the psychologist saying if you send him there you will screw him up more....you'd kinda think someone with brains would say hmm maybe they have a point.So the appeal could tak us into November and yep school starts in September and yep we are sat here all thinking oh what do we do in September?? Yeah good point! Still working on that answer!If we loose the appeal well that will be it, no more fighting, no more asking for help, no more loud screams of 'oi lets change this little lad before it's too late', the end will be the here and now, there will be no more. That will be it and the fight will be done.Carrying on just isn't an option when all you see, feel and know is black, you can't fight when everyhing that is going down the toilet is your life, your daughters life and your family life, it is drifting so far away that all we do is for him and so when the end comes yo have to just say stop.The only thing that can help Kaine is this school, the only way his life can be turned around is this school, no amont of 1 hr per wk therapy is cutting it anymore and that comes from the man who gives it to him every wk!10 yrs is a long time to keep fighting and then for it all no to go the way you want to makes you feel like your fighting against the odds so screw them odds lets just do as they want, lets just say enough is enough and let be what is to be. I know what that means while half of you sit and wonder what I mean and maybe the few that know me know exactly what I mean and yep you few would be correct and the rest who think you know what I mean could be sat swearing your head off and saying you can't give up and just stop......watch me!I will allow whoever has control over Kaine to let them forsee his downward slope into hell and at least when judgement comes I can say 'I fought for 10 yrs and you can't change if it's supposed to be this way but I fought anyway and I lost'.So the next few months will be like they always are, rough, loud, aggressive, violent, depressive, lonely, hard work, frustrating, emotional, torture, annoying and well just for us we say 'normal'.I did however sit yesterday and watch my beautiful daughter fall asleep with her head titled to oneside and her smiling mouth dummyless. The face of an angel and with no care in the world and with every moment that she speaks, touches and holds your hand, with every joyous cheer and sweet giggle.....reality hits home like a thud that can be heard for miles around....her happiness, her home life,her childhood yrs will be spent being second, being verbally and aggressively betrayed by her brother, she will beleive and grow up to think that what she lives in is a normal world where hatred and resentment and remorse is just what should be......Could you truly live knowing that your daughter's life has to be that way? Would you sacrifice the younger sibling for the older one?Could you sit back and see another child feel alone, frightened and resentful towards her only brother as she grows up?Can you sit back and wonder what life she could have had if you just ahd the courage, the strength and the realisation that someimes, just sometimes a person can not be helped where they are and the only solution is to set them completely free....Judgement day is coming....let the 'god of god's' make the right choice and pay for that price dearly if it costs another young life.Eternal and always.The one that dares to speak, the one that dares to dream and the one that dares to do what others fear. I am me, me is different, I do not go by the norm and I do not abide by the rules that are forever broken and corrupt. The time will come when I will be issued the words but we shall see what those words will be-Am I a bad person or am I merely thinking outside the box???